Where there is doubt, let me show faith.

Happy Thanksgiving to the world ! One of my favorite days of course, not only do we get to eat so  Frustrating good things, but for me it's a strong reminder of what's important in my life. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, that you forget to stop and appreciate what you already have.

I have the best family anyone could ask for. We have our struggles, and it's been really difficult, but I know without a doubt that we belong together forever and no matter what tries to tear us apart, we will stand strong. We'll lean on each other and take the blows together, there is strength in numbers.

I'm backing to working too much for my own good, pushing 65 hours a week. I think I was born for it though, it feels right.

I'm going to return to my spiked eggnog and cooking, and enjoy the time I have here at home while I can :) God bless <3

Does he take you out dancing just so he can hold you close?

"How do you know he loves you?"

I'm currently at the parents house in Maine, feels great to escape from my life for a few days.
We had a fun day, Dad and I got haircuts and we all stacked wood and went grocery shopping (always a good time), and then Mum and Dad took me out to teach me how to drive Mom's motorcycle :D now THAT was fantastic.

Think I might make a stop along my way home...=) we'll see how it goes.

Always so nice to be home, relaxing, and the kids are as cute as ever. Lil Theo is getting too big.

Anyway, time to drink tea and watch Awkward :) and then enjoy some Ben and Jerry's.
:D

It's that feeling.

Restless. Applied for several jobs in Colorado and Montana.

I need an adventure. It doesn't have to be moving across the country. I need something new, something fresh, something bright.
Something that makes me happy.

:) bring it on!!

It's good to let you in again, you're not alone, how you been?

...didn't see that coming. Did you plan this? Is this what you expected to happen? I wonder, but I'm not brave enough to ask.
Now you're going away again...you'd tell me to hold on to the good times we had, but all I can think of is how we won't have any more times...not for a long time...
What if, by some crazy chance, I fell in love with you without realizing it? I think I'm realizing it now...

And if I told you...? Nah.

Anyway, NH is great. My job is still super, it's just such a good time.

Labor Day weekend is coming up! The Mothership and some siblings are coming down for that 12 hour dance, cannot wait to be with them again! <3


"No more
Countin' down the hours
No more
Wishin' you were here
I stopped believin',
Although Journey told me 'don't'
Before I call it a day,
Maybe this'll be my year."

Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing thing that can come from some terrible lies.

I definitely don't remember being on this emotional rollercoaster back when I was a teenager. And I know why.
I just hate that I won't accept why.
It's sick, to know how to be happy and love life, and to completely turn your back on it because you don't want to have to try.
But at the moment, I am happy. PS has been home for a few weeks, and spending all this time with him reminded me of how life used to be, back in high school, back in a stress-free world.
GC told me his opinion the other day. Told me I just had to settle somewhere and make lasting contacts. My life is difficult because of the way I choose to live it.

"So this is it?
I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my Mom and Dad for this?"

It's for the best you didn't listen.

You say you're still waiting for me.
I said it would be a long wait.

I'm currently sitting at the library, and a little girl with pretty curls is reading me a book. She keeps hitting me to pay attention.

So the application for the Australia au pair is still on my desktop...trying to decide if it'll be a financially safe option or not. Probably not.

Oh well. I had a long talk with an old friend the other day. Made me realize a lot about my life, things I'm doing right, and things I'm doing wrong. Mostly the latter.

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind; I'll do it all for you in time.

The days just seem to fly by, there's little of consequence to remind me of the passage of time.
We returned from Virginia a few days ago, and since then there's little to excite me. In  fact, there's more to bring me down, which is frustrating. Just another one of those times where you just lose faith in humanity. Just goes to show that no matter how long you've known someone and been close to them, they'll still screw you over to get themselves some ass.

I can't wait for my next adventure to begin, I'm getting weary of waiting for the usual sign of where to go next. I knew I should've gone to Vermont with Alex for the summer...

But the sun is shining, my butterflies look sharp and beautiful, and I feel just fine. Long weekend of work ahead, might end in someone's murder, life goes on!

Oh, wait I did! I'm here now!
The roommate and I went on a roadtrip to the state of Virginia to visit her papa, and it's been quite the adventure!
Almost got mugged in Massachusetts.
Broke down in Connecticut.
Got lost in D.C. on accident.

And many other adventures...

So this 10 hour trip took us 17 hours, and by the end of it we were wondering what the hell we were thinking.
But we made it mostly in one piece and have been having a really good time here! Lots of relaxation, jet skiing, ocean, amazing southern food, and hot hot hot temperatures.
We now have matching sweatpants (her leopard, mine zebra), matching Hooters shirts, similar striped dresses (her's pink, mine blue), matching black booty shorts, and matching black tube tops.

Well here goes to our Summer Bucket List, and all the craziness that's sure to follow us wherever we end up <3 Thelma and Louise for life.

We've got alot to learn; God knows we're worth it.

Part of life is knowing when to hold on, and when to let go. Dreams are not realities, and the ones we most desperately cling to are the most dangerous. You are told that if you try your best, and do everything you can, that those dreams will come true.
But that's a lie.
Life doesn't work that way. Just accept what comes your way, and have a good time until it's over. Nothing is forever, only you can make yourself happy forever. Breathe easy, do what you love, and take chances.

"If we were meant to be together, we would be together."

I always turn the car around...

So why am I sitting in a weird resort in the middle of no where NH in a bed with two other seeexy ladies?
Oh. Because I thought coming up to work at Bike Week was a great idea! Because I can talk people into buying things they don't need. So here I am selling mad cool jewelry with DuffDuff for a few days in the blistering sun to a bunch of INSANE biker gangs.
So tired, and it was only the first day. I make good money though !

And just to make it better...I'm one hour from Bethel...and Sunday River...and J.
Too close to not go see him. This is a decision I will either: SERIOUSLY regret, or SERIOUSLY loveanditwillchangemylife.

Soo....yeah. Stopping in Bethel, and home for a long weekend, for Daddys day :) Please come faster, I need my kiddies.

<3

It's the stars that lie to you.

Sick of it. Everything. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Nothing makes me happy. I'm sick of the temporary. Sick of shitty horrible stupid people.

Thank God Mom is coming tomorrow. Or I'd probably commit murder.

Every day holds a new surprise; a new beginning, a new end.

Why must I always end up working an abnormally long shift on the days where I wake up puking my brains out? It's so frustrating.
So now that shift is over, I'm finally home in bed and it is just now that I begin to feel better.
I need to learn how to call out. It's a strange concept to me, I should get acquainted with it though.

I just had a strange moment; I forgot where I was. And then got really confused as to why I wasn't in Bethel or at the Jordan. Was all of it just a dream? It feels so unreal...there's nothing to remind me of it here. And then I have moments where I feel like I never left in the first place. Odd.

Memorial Day weekend will be wonderful! My Momma and some kids are coming to visit...but the best part? I haven't said it out loud yet, for fear that it won't happen...
My bestbestbestest friend is coming home. P. A. S. It's been almost a year I think. So happy. Will be so lovely to see him.

Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart.

I don't know why, but I've been so angry lately...these past few days have been insane. I've never yelled at so many people in three days. I just can't shake this temper and this frustration with everything.
I'm sick of suck-ass employees. You come to work, to work. Not to fucking watch a goddamn sports game. If that's not okay, get the fuck out.
I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of giving you money for EVERYTHING, only to have you waste your own on your nails and tanning. And yet you keep asking, as if nothing's wrong, how is that possible? Yes, you give me a chair to sleep on, thanks. I pay you for that. That's it. It's fun to have a friend more interested in your money than you.
I'm sick of denying the urge to drive to you in the middle of the night, or call, or text. I'm sick of thinking about you at all. I drink you away, but you always come back. We are, were, and will be nothing, always.
I'm sick of watching your life get gradually worse. I hate it, because you're so amazing and you just need a break, but life just keeps throwing you curve balls. At least you have Larry. WINKY-FACE. ;)

So I couldn't take it, so tonight I'm in Dover with my cousin, because sometimes our own lives get to be too much, and you just have to run away from it all and forget it, if only for a little while.

Happy note? Duffy is home. Everything will be perfect now that she's back <3 beest friend.

I find that the words are hard to describe.

Another night, home late after a long evening at work, and it seems that sleep doesn't want to have anything to do with me.
Alllllmost makes me miss a somebody that liked staying up late with me. 3:33?

Keene is beautiful, mostly I'm glad to be back, and then other times I just want to run.

I miss J. So much more every day. I almost regret saying the things I did...but he had to hear it, and I wasn't going to let him walk all over me and think it's okay. God, I miss everything about him.

I do love my boys, they make every day here a lil better. T, G, N. All'y'all!

& ET? Please stay strong, I miss you. I'll hurt you if you even think about giving up. <3

Baby, tell me what's your story, I ain't shy, don't you worry.

"Do you come here much? I've got to see your face some more."

Well, aha. So much has happened lately, impossible to recap it all...went to Florida for about two weeks, had a BLAST...so tan and so warm and so lovely. Leaving sucked :( haha...steve...;)
And then my plan to move to Oregon fell through, also sucked.
And then the Greeks called and begged for me to return, so I agreed.

So it's back to Keene for the summer...hopefully won't be regretting this decision, but who knows.

Today was my first day back at the pizza place, it felt weird. But I liked it, in a weird way...I don't know.
I think this was a good decision...just work all summer, be with my lovely ladies, and enjoy sunshine.

Anyway, here's to the future, and what it holds! I'm ready.

It's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive.

Home for Easter :)
So much food! And so much fun. We tie-dyed clothing for everybody, took hours, but everyone will look so hippie-snazzy cute in their tie-dye tshirts at dinner tonight!
Especially lil' Theo in his onesie, heehee.

Alex and Lily fixed things :) good thing he stopped being a prick, they'll be here shortly.

Off to NH soon, should be really nice to see everybody again, before it's off to sunny Florida.

Just reminds me that no matter how bad things seem to be, it's never actually that bad. It's all about how you see things, and how you choose to interpret their meanings.

Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

At least I sincerely hope so.

It's funny how you know the change is coming, you expect it, and yet it seems to come out of nowhere and it still hurts more than you expected.
The Bethel family is over. In more ways than one, and it's just insane that all of us are heading off to different states, different lives. And Alex and Lily's break up was definitely not expected.
Oh, yeah, this last week just happened to be break-up week. N and M, A and L, T and R, H and C...there must be something in the air...

J, I wish you'd talk to me, so I could tell you that I'll be gone in four days, and may not be back. Do you know how much I care about you? No, you don't, because you're being a moody little girl and not talking to me. Why? No idea. BECAUSE YOU WON'T TALK TO ME.

Soon, I'll be back home for Easter, off to Florida with K, and home for a bit, then hello Oregon.

My life is moving on, without you.
:( <-- sad face.

"And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight if you're gonna say goodbye."

It's been a while.

My computer's been acting up lately, and decided that Google was not a site it felt happy towards. But now, I believe it's fixed.

Well, where to begin...everything has been crazy, as usual. I am finished at the resort, so now it's onto my next adventure...but that's not til later. For now, it's hanging out, and off to Florida for a few weeks, and with my family for a week or two, and then back to life.

So a little note for you menfolk out there; when you tell a female you do not want commitment because your life is too complicated, don't decide to develop feelings for her and not communicate them. Because she will still believe there's no commitment involved, and she will make other life plans that do not involve you. And the fact that you found a girl willing to agree to such terms is unbelievable.
It's a good thing I'm nice...and crazy about you. Ass.

Anyway, baby Theo is getting cuter by the day, and I can't wait for the summer to come. It's been a long, hard, and cold winter, and this girl is ready to be done with it.

Thanks Sunday River for a great season, and thanks for reminding that even if you bend over backwards to help someone, there's no guarantee that they will remember when shit gets heavy. So don't bother. You're a freakshow.

Here comes the sun, do do do do...

I woke up to sunshine, and I went outside and enjoyed sunshine, and it was a lovely thing :D SUCH a good day off from work, I feel so much healthier mentally and physically.

His text woke me up, teehee.

And then Kerri and I made cookies, and watched Benny and Joon (one of my favorites.) and now we're going out to the bar to listen to a crazy 80s tribute band. And hopefully J will join us once he's done doing his chef-thing :)

"Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.
I was screaming, "Long live, the look on your face!"
And bring on all the pretenders; one day we will be remembered.

And you take a moment
Promise me this;
That you'll stand by me forever."

Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

See, my day was at that point where I didn't think it could get any stranger...and then it did. My life is seriously too insane for me to handle. Just when things seem okay, and then BOOM.

Nothing bad, just...strange.

I'm so sick of these petty issues with my boss, I should be able to date who I want and not have him drill me about it and make it an issue at work.

I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL AND I DISLIKE IT.

But at least J is still attractive. <3

Tell them other girls they can lose your number; you're done.

So the past two weeks have been quite insane. Snowstorms, marriage proposals, and a wonderful date :)
He took me out for dinner and we just talked for hours, and he's just crazy about me. It was such a great night! Tall, blond, blue eyes, strong, ahhhh. He just makes me feel so beautiful!

This weekend is going to be amazing! So many people are here, my best friend and her friend and my roomie's best friend and two of my cousins and a brother. Party !

So yeah, I just wanted to say how lovely life is, and how happy I am with it. Even though Unmentionable made contact again...the usual every-few-month facebook notice...but it didn't bother me this time.

"So...what happened?"

Today was the first morning I've woken up with a really bad hangover. Probably due to the fact that I had to be to work at six AM...that was difficult. The nausea was so bad. But what a super night!!!
But it's okay, I got out early and went out to eat with my lovely chef friend, and we had martinis and screwdrivers at the 22, it cured all hangoverness.

I don't have to work til four tomorrow...I have 24 hours off, insane! School vacation month needs to end...I'm so done with the pressure and stress and unbelievable craziness. 'Delight and entertain." that's our motto. Bah.

I think it's cake baking time.

Working in the restaurant business on Valentines Day is my favorite way to spend the day! So many cute couples coming in to share a special moment with each other, not afraid to show the world that they are in love.
I've always been single on Valentines Day (I did have a Valentine once though, it was sweet.) and it honestly doesn't bother me. I'd be more upset if I was in a relationship, because then I would expect cute things from my boyfriend, and if he was a dope, then I'd be bummin'. As of now, I don't expect anything, and so every message I get saying "Happy Valentines, I love you!' makes me happy!

I wish Valentines would be more broadcasted as a Love day, not simple a couples day. There are all kinds of love out there, and if society demands we celebrate it specifically on one day of the year, well then get out there and love! But don't stop.

Lunch, then off to the restaurant :)

Keith Urban's sad songs always get me...

There are times where I wish I could rewind time. I wish I had made different decisions, I wish I hadn't hurt so many people I care about, I wish I hadn't run away from my feelings. I wish I didn't get so afraid that I lashed back out. I wish I was stronger.
Maybe someday I'll be just drunk enough to apologize in person...but again, that's something I would wish I hadn't done. I wish I could say these things as a sober person. I don't want anything back, overall I'm happy with everything. I just wish you knew how sorry I am.

You'll never know. You tried so hard...you were so perfect in every way, and I ignored it. I hurt you, and yet you still thought of me above your own pain. I hated seeing your eyes light up when you saw me. It made my heart break when you told me how beautiful I still looked. I don't deserve to know you P.

I'm a horrible person, and I'm just drunk enough to know that.
Tomorrow, I'll be fine, none of this will matter.
But tonight, I wanna cry.

What can I do, when every part of every thought leads me straight to you?

Ahhh, nothing like a relaxed morning for once. My four days in a row of working 12 hour days is finally over, just a normal shift today and tomorrow, then home to see my family :)

I cut my hair shorter (its around my shoulders now) and dyed a strip pink for breast cancer awareness, and my boss told me he thinks "my hair sucks and I have to get rid of it."
Sorry bud, I already okayed it with two of YOUR bosses, so suck it. I will hide it for the most part, but I ain't paying to get it redone when I like it.
Jerk.

So I just want to say that I was really impressed with Madonna's halftime performance. Like...hot DAMN. If any of us look THAT good in our 50s, than you can diss all you want. She is still such a star and immortal in pop culture.

Well, time for a relaxing lunch, shower, and back to work at four!

This is the air I breathe.

"This is in fact, the Big Question. Does God exist; Is he there? And if he is, does he care about me? And MY smallness and MY suffering and MY struggles...? From the very beginning, God has been reaching out to you, wanting you to see that there is one bigger and more amazing then anything you could ever imagine. He is not a distant God, as if he was some deistic entity that certainly gets the world spinning, but steps back and could care less what the outcome is. That's not our God at all. This is the big G God, the one that makes something out of nothing, and looks down and says, 'Mine. My son. My daughter. My world. And it is good."
Chris Padgett, Steubenville East 2007, the weekend my life changed entirely. All of us that were there have gone so far in life, and we're all so different, and yet we all still feel the connection that we had. We may not all be friends any longer, but the bond we all shared will last a lifetime, regardless of the paths our lives take.

It's just one of those days...

Where EVERYTHING is going RIGHT. It's ridiculous!

In one day, I got rid of months worth of worrying. For once, being in Keene is relaxing as opposed to stressful. My car is registered, inspected, and I know that I'm still loved, all in one day! It's Divine Intervention, for sure. I'm so happy :)

And the fact that I'm sitting in Prime Roast drinking the world's best coffee just adds to my happy life.

Just maybe coming back here will be okay, after all!

My animal partner and I dyed our hair last night...hooray for blond and pink! My boss is going to murder me. :)
Thanks babygiiirl :)
And thanks for a super breakfast E. T., I miss our ridiculousness.
And Kitty, just stay fabulous, cause I like you. And your whale. Lol, can't wait to see how things with Red Bull work out later ;)

It's time to face the music; I'm no longer your muse.

"In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away."

Well. Made $400 today. I'd say it was pretty fun. 13 hour shifts are really exhausting though.

I sometimes wonder why I do the things I do...why I make the decisions I make. There never seems to be any logic behind it.
I'm really not staying in Maine. Chances are I'll never see him again. And I really think he was my One. Why is the chance of that not enough for me to go back? I want more than anything to build a life with him, what a beautiful dream. There I go again, running away when the walls come up...but I know he won't come with me. I will tell him how I feel though, that way there are really no regrets. But with time, almost all aches heal...

One of our cooks remind me horribly of someone I used to know...someone who really broke me apart, mentally and emotionally. Every time I look at him, my heart twinges with a familiar pain. I try to stay away from him, just because the memories that come back are old and unwanted...the guy is real nice, it's not his fault, it's just me.

Snow!

Yes...lots and lots of it. Ski ski ski ski!

Mi padre just called to inform me that Riverdance is coming to Bangor in April, and I'm buying us both tickets to go. It's been my dream to see Riverdance live ever since I was little, and I'm so ridiculously excited that it's going to happen!

French-press Prime Roast coffee, homemade breakfast sandwich on a bagel, and red velvet cake...what a fantastic breakfast. We all get to struggle to work later, wahoo. And I get to talk severely to my boss and tell him that from all the times he says he owes me, he can pay it back by giving me three days off this week. If not, there will be problems and he can find someone else to call last second to come in. Bam.

If you're going to leave, well you better get going.

I hate how you decide to beg for me two weeks before you leave. I hate how you know exactly how to win me over. I hate the fact that I'm standing up for myself and turning you down. I hate that I might never see you again. I hate that I care. I hate that I love you. I hate that you don't care.

When will my life begin?

Do you ever get that feeling that your life hasn't even really started? That you've just been going along, but the best is yet to come?
I'm so excited for my future that sometimes I forget to enjoy the present. But I love planning.
So my resort job is ending in April/May, and I'll need a new plan, and my selections are thus:

1.Move back to Keene, (People are begging me to return), live with a friend, make pizzas, and go to River Valley/KSC for business management/restaurant management specifically.
2. Move back home to my family and attend a school up here where I know nobody and get a job somehow, but everything will include 30/60 minutes of driving time.
3. Work at a summer camp in Portland ME til August and figure out details afterwards.

I wish I could do all three options at the same time, every one is exciting in its own way

Maybe it's time to settle down somewhere, make a solid plan and keep to it, stop jumping around from place to place. But there's nobody to tie me down, nobody I want to stay in one place for. Maybe once I find that, I'll settle down.

The resort is fantastic, still loving it and everyone there :) (Happy Birthday cousin E!)

Happy Birthday.

Well, the teenage years are now behind me, I can no longer use the "I'm an immature stupid teenager' excuse for things.
20 seems too old for me...like it doesn't fit.

We got a huge snowstorm, it was lovely, so good for the mountain! Also meant no one could make it to my 'party', but I don't usually celebrate my birthday so it's alright. Regardless of attendance, I still made three pizzas, a deluxe fruit salad, and 20 margarita jello shots. Of which I took 14. My roommates and I had a good time.

Yeah, there are new people in the house now, no longer just me, A. and L. I have a new girl sharing my room, K, and she's really neat. I like her alot. She's working at the resort as well.

And the last room got rented out to a boy, T, who claims his gf isn't living with him, but she never leaves...they're also resorters.

Now it's around seven thirty and I'm wide awake, kind of obnoxious...I passed out for maybe four hours and that's it. I work tonight, so more sleep would be appreciated. Not hung over though!

Anyway, 19 was a very fun year, one of my favorites yet. Thanks to everyone that made it so fantastic. Let's make 20 better :)

Don't you know the hardest part is over?

"Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you.
Let it shine,
'til you feel it all around you.
And I don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by;
It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made
in these small hours.
These little wonders,
these twists and turns of fate.
Time falls away
but these small hours,
these small hours,
still remain.

All of my regret
will wash away somehow,
but I cannot forget
the way I feel right now..."

I'm happy that you know where you're going; I wish I could say of myself that was true.

"We both pursue something worth knowing
But I may not end with the same thing as you..."

As the New Year begins, it brings a sad truth...
I said goodbye to PS today...it's going to be a long time before I see him again. And it's breaking my heart. We're fighting so hard to stay with each other...and yet it's getting more and more difficult. Our lives are going in different directions, and I hate it...I'd give up everything to go be with him, I'd work a job I hate, I'd become politically involved and go to college just so we could keep going down the path of Life together...It's not that he's leaving me behind, it's just we have different ideas for our futures...we want different things. I know I'll want him forever though, as my best friend.

My visit to NH went well, there are people that make me wonder why I bother going back, and then someone else will prove to me why I do return. Thanks to everyone I saw :) and you should have let me answer the phone Kitty. :P

And its back to the resort tonight :)