Do you ever have those days where you question your worth? Not just your worth, but your worth to other people in your life? Do you ever walk away from moments and think, "Well I got alot out of that...but did they?" Did they feel anything, do they think about it ever? A moment that was so golden to you, what if it was just dust in the wind to them? It's a painful realization, that something that is utterly life-changing to you, has no importance to the other party.
And then I realize that I've been on the other side as well...and that I'm no better than they.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Our personal Terebithia.
The magic of summer days will never cease to amaze me, and even now as I sit in the window of a coffee shop and look out at the people walking by, I feel like no one understands the magic as well as I do. Every moment is filled with beauty and life, and how many people just forget? How many people get so caught up in the stress and sadness, and never really let go and experience the sunrise on their own time, as opposed to their work schedule or family schedule? I know I am guilty of that on more than one account.
It's so easy to forget to live instead of simply existing.
It's so easy to forget to live instead of simply existing.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on.
"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us, who have died to live...
It's unfair."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing,
And we know every line by heart,
Only when no one is watching,
Can we really fall apart..."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Spread wide in the arms of Christ is a love that covers sin.
No greater love have I ever known; you considered me a friend.
Capture my heart again."
~~~~~~~~~~
"You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind, but now I see.
Jesus, you kept the faith in me."
~~~~~~~~~~
"I woke up in darkness, surrounded by my silence
Oh where, where have I gone?
I woke to reality losing its grip on me
Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light before I see the sunrise."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause
As I go from Earth into Eternity..."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe."
What has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us, who have died to live...
It's unfair."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?
The performance is convincing,
And we know every line by heart,
Only when no one is watching,
Can we really fall apart..."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Spread wide in the arms of Christ is a love that covers sin.
No greater love have I ever known; you considered me a friend.
Capture my heart again."
~~~~~~~~~~
"You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind, but now I see.
Jesus, you kept the faith in me."
~~~~~~~~~~
"I woke up in darkness, surrounded by my silence
Oh where, where have I gone?
I woke to reality losing its grip on me
Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light before I see the sunrise."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause
As I go from Earth into Eternity..."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe."
In the heat of summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else.
I had a great time with friends last night, had a few cold drinks and danced and just did our usual crazy stuff. Thank you D.M, H.C, E.T. :) And H.C, you are an excellent hostess!
Then we spent a few hours down at the lake in Swanzey, soaked in the beautiful sun and relaxed. Then we headed back to Keene to find something to do.
Now I am waiting for E.T. to come back so we can get dinner and play some music for the delightful people of downtown.
Today, I am reminded of why I love living here, and how much I enjoy this state. True, there are probably other very nice places as well, but as for now, I am content with this one. The people I know, the places we go, the things we do, it makes it all worthwhile :)
I love being able to just walk downtown and always run into somebody I know! So if I ever feel lonely, it's just that easy to cure it.
I sometimes wonder why I'm so lucky when it comes to life. I'm so lucky to be me, and to have all that I have. It must be somebody up above lookin' down on me, casting the sunshine my way :) as always.
Off to the fry place I go :D have a great night y'all.
Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.
Then we spent a few hours down at the lake in Swanzey, soaked in the beautiful sun and relaxed. Then we headed back to Keene to find something to do.
Now I am waiting for E.T. to come back so we can get dinner and play some music for the delightful people of downtown.
Today, I am reminded of why I love living here, and how much I enjoy this state. True, there are probably other very nice places as well, but as for now, I am content with this one. The people I know, the places we go, the things we do, it makes it all worthwhile :)
I love being able to just walk downtown and always run into somebody I know! So if I ever feel lonely, it's just that easy to cure it.
I sometimes wonder why I'm so lucky when it comes to life. I'm so lucky to be me, and to have all that I have. It must be somebody up above lookin' down on me, casting the sunshine my way :) as always.
Off to the fry place I go :D have a great night y'all.
Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.
Monday, July 4, 2011
A short story I wrote several years back.
11-12-08
"Do you think we'll still know each other in ten years?"
He smiles at me in his usual manner, as if I was a small girl who said something silly or preposterous. "Of course we will, unless one of us dies between now and then."
I nod my approval. The warmth of my love for him spreads from my heart down to my toes and I sigh in happiness. "What about forever though?"
He shakes his head at me in amusement and reaches his pointer finger forward to tap me on the nose. "Where could I go that I wouldn't need you there with me? I suppose forever is our only answer," his chocolaty brown eyes look down at me with such adoration that I think my heart might burst.
"I'm glad you think that," I say. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "Because I love you a bushel and a peck. A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!" To emphasize my point, I giggle and fling myself at him and attach my arms around his neck.
It still makes me smile to remember that day. That was the day he had promised me forever.
I think he and I had different views on the definition of forever, though.
Because ten months later, he told me he had to leave me, to travel across Europe with his rock band. He told me he doubted he'd ever come back to the U.S.A. He apologized, kissed my forehead, and left me standing alone in the gazebo, surrounded by apple trees with electrical lights hanging from the branches and benches made to fit only two people.
The coldest December I had ever known followed, and soon I was regretting that I was too chicken to commit suicide. Jumping off the West St. Bridge into the icy water would be such a quick way to go. But I was afraid of heights. And the dark. And the cold.
I loved life, but a life without him was simply unlovable. It was torture to wake up in the morning and know he wouldn't be there. To walk around our old town and know I wouldn't be seeing him. To listen to the radio and know that love songs didn't apply to us anymore.
"It is your own fault you know," I sadly sigh to myself as I wander through the park. I had waded through four feet of snow to get to where I was going. A hill with a single pine tree on the top of it. Our hill. Our pine tree.
I don't like snow. It reminds me of nights spent snuggling up with cups of cocoa after a snowball fight.
I don't like spring. It reminds me of fresh love and joy.
I don't like summer. It reminds me of walks along the ocean and ice cream.
I don't like fall. It reminds me of carving jack-o-lanterns in his front yard and jumping in piles of leaves.
My friends tell me I used to glow. I used to bounce. I used to smile and giggle. I have to pause to remember the definitions of those words; they always seem to escape me now.
I especially hate country music. My boss at work always listens to country. And every song is about love, heartbreak, or drinking. And I've had my fair share of each, and all three were my downfall.
My boss fired me four days ago. She said that I was unfocused and didn't pay enough attention to the customers that came in the store. She was telling the truth.
"Hello," I say to the tree. I sit down at its base. "Been a while."
It doesn't respond.
"I am sorry," I apologize. "I have been distracted. Remember that boy I used to bring here to see you? He said goodbye to me two months ago."
The tree creaks in the wind, and it sounds like it is horrified. Or so I think.
"I know," I continue. "He said his future called him to leave and that he didn't think he'd be coming back. Did you know I was in love with him?"
My tree creaks again, and this time I think it sounds sorry for me.
I sigh. "You remember when he promised me forever? I don't think he meant it."
My tree creaks in agreement.
"But he did promise," I go on. "Why did he break his promise?"
My tree doesn't creak this time. It is silent.
"Why didn't he need me anymore? After all, he told me he did need me. You should have told me he was lying," I tell my pine tree.
A pine needle falls on my nose.
"It isn't your fault, don't apologize," I say quickly. "You didn't know any better. I didn't either."
My tree creaks again, only this time it sounds like music. A beautiful song. A lullaby for me.
I lay my head on its trunk. "I know you aren't like him," I am confident now. "I know I can trust you to stay with me forever."
My tree drops more pine needles onto my head and I smile.
"You are right. I can be happy without him. Thank you. And I know your forever could be a lot shorter than mine. But it's enough for me."
You may think that I am crazy or mentally ill.
But I'm not.
I'm simply broken-hearted.
"Do you think we'll still know each other in ten years?"
He smiles at me in his usual manner, as if I was a small girl who said something silly or preposterous. "Of course we will, unless one of us dies between now and then."
I nod my approval. The warmth of my love for him spreads from my heart down to my toes and I sigh in happiness. "What about forever though?"
He shakes his head at me in amusement and reaches his pointer finger forward to tap me on the nose. "Where could I go that I wouldn't need you there with me? I suppose forever is our only answer," his chocolaty brown eyes look down at me with such adoration that I think my heart might burst.
"I'm glad you think that," I say. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "Because I love you a bushel and a peck. A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!" To emphasize my point, I giggle and fling myself at him and attach my arms around his neck.
It still makes me smile to remember that day. That was the day he had promised me forever.
I think he and I had different views on the definition of forever, though.
Because ten months later, he told me he had to leave me, to travel across Europe with his rock band. He told me he doubted he'd ever come back to the U.S.A. He apologized, kissed my forehead, and left me standing alone in the gazebo, surrounded by apple trees with electrical lights hanging from the branches and benches made to fit only two people.
The coldest December I had ever known followed, and soon I was regretting that I was too chicken to commit suicide. Jumping off the West St. Bridge into the icy water would be such a quick way to go. But I was afraid of heights. And the dark. And the cold.
I loved life, but a life without him was simply unlovable. It was torture to wake up in the morning and know he wouldn't be there. To walk around our old town and know I wouldn't be seeing him. To listen to the radio and know that love songs didn't apply to us anymore.
"It is your own fault you know," I sadly sigh to myself as I wander through the park. I had waded through four feet of snow to get to where I was going. A hill with a single pine tree on the top of it. Our hill. Our pine tree.
I don't like snow. It reminds me of nights spent snuggling up with cups of cocoa after a snowball fight.
I don't like spring. It reminds me of fresh love and joy.
I don't like summer. It reminds me of walks along the ocean and ice cream.
I don't like fall. It reminds me of carving jack-o-lanterns in his front yard and jumping in piles of leaves.
My friends tell me I used to glow. I used to bounce. I used to smile and giggle. I have to pause to remember the definitions of those words; they always seem to escape me now.
I especially hate country music. My boss at work always listens to country. And every song is about love, heartbreak, or drinking. And I've had my fair share of each, and all three were my downfall.
My boss fired me four days ago. She said that I was unfocused and didn't pay enough attention to the customers that came in the store. She was telling the truth.
"Hello," I say to the tree. I sit down at its base. "Been a while."
It doesn't respond.
"I am sorry," I apologize. "I have been distracted. Remember that boy I used to bring here to see you? He said goodbye to me two months ago."
The tree creaks in the wind, and it sounds like it is horrified. Or so I think.
"I know," I continue. "He said his future called him to leave and that he didn't think he'd be coming back. Did you know I was in love with him?"
My tree creaks again, and this time I think it sounds sorry for me.
I sigh. "You remember when he promised me forever? I don't think he meant it."
My tree creaks in agreement.
"But he did promise," I go on. "Why did he break his promise?"
My tree doesn't creak this time. It is silent.
"Why didn't he need me anymore? After all, he told me he did need me. You should have told me he was lying," I tell my pine tree.
A pine needle falls on my nose.
"It isn't your fault, don't apologize," I say quickly. "You didn't know any better. I didn't either."
My tree creaks again, only this time it sounds like music. A beautiful song. A lullaby for me.
I lay my head on its trunk. "I know you aren't like him," I am confident now. "I know I can trust you to stay with me forever."
My tree drops more pine needles onto my head and I smile.
"You are right. I can be happy without him. Thank you. And I know your forever could be a lot shorter than mine. But it's enough for me."
You may think that I am crazy or mentally ill.
But I'm not.
I'm simply broken-hearted.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Give me reason, but don't give me choice, 'cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
The past few days have been exhausting, in a really good way. I wish I had realized it was the weekend of the 4th before yesterday though...looks like it's going to be a lonely Monday. That's the tough part about not living near your family...family bbq holidays suck. I'm hoping something exciting will pop up.
Just had an awesome chat with a friend I met down in D.C. when I went to visit Starks this past January. We discussed my future excersions to D.C. and how soon they shall be, and I can't wait for August. It seems like everything is gonna be great in August.
I've decided to go get my GED next month. Hopefully it actually happens this time.
Everyone wants to go to the fireworks and see the baseball game tonight...are they not aware of the thunderstorms rolling in real fast? I think I'm gonna go hang out at my brothers tonight.
After being here in this town all my life, and on my own for two years, I think I'm ready for a change of scenery. The question is: where shall I go? I can go anywhere, I'm so free and ready for something new.
I'm listening to the P.S. I Love You soundtrack, great selection of music to match a great movie.
Signing' Out,
Lyssie Jean.
Just had an awesome chat with a friend I met down in D.C. when I went to visit Starks this past January. We discussed my future excersions to D.C. and how soon they shall be, and I can't wait for August. It seems like everything is gonna be great in August.
I've decided to go get my GED next month. Hopefully it actually happens this time.
Everyone wants to go to the fireworks and see the baseball game tonight...are they not aware of the thunderstorms rolling in real fast? I think I'm gonna go hang out at my brothers tonight.
After being here in this town all my life, and on my own for two years, I think I'm ready for a change of scenery. The question is: where shall I go? I can go anywhere, I'm so free and ready for something new.
I'm listening to the P.S. I Love You soundtrack, great selection of music to match a great movie.
Signing' Out,
Lyssie Jean.
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