You can't win a marathon without putting a few bandaids on your nipples!

I gave it all up! My job, apartment, life, it's all in the past now. I've moved on and I'm working on making good changes for my future. Problem is, it's really hard to see any of this in a positive light. I trusted someone, cared for them, welcomed them into my family and heart, and they just screwed me over and took off. Why do people feel the need to destroy other people to make themselves feel better? He's off living his life the way he wants, free of any commitment or infant growing in his stomach. I didn't want this either, but I don't have a choice; it's not fair that he does.
But this mind set is dangerous, these thoughts are poisonous and harmful. Change is good, and when I really think about it, what did I really give up? An abusive job, part-time friends, and the same life I've been living for years.
This will be so good; a new chapter.

This is a mess.

I tried to drive home today to spend a few days with my family. But after needing to pull over every fifteen minutes to violently vomit into a bag, I turned around an hour in and had to come back to my apartment. So aside from being miserably sick, I'm also alone and so depressed. I was looking forward to little hugs and little kisses and little voices. But all I have is some movies and my toilet bowl. I'm beginning to think I got food poisoning from something, because I haven't been this sick since I found out I was gonna be a mama.
I'm tryin to focus on the good stuff; the future. Having a little person with me at all times, teaching it to read and write and swim, taking it for ice cream and trips to the lake. Picking out little outfits, and feeling the weight of it as it falls asleep in my arms. Little curls and small sockies.
Focus.

This is one diddle that can't be undid, homeskillet!

So here it goes. I'm going to be a mother. A single mother. I don't think I've ever been so torn or stressed about anything to this level. When my parents got divorced, I had a good friend circle and plenty of whiskey. Now I have very few friends (though the few I do have are phenomenal) and I can't have a drink. So I'm going to blog about my experience being a 23-year-old expecting mama. I'm almost 11 weeks today, I found out at roughly 3-4 weeks. Which sucks, I wish I could've been one of those women who don't notice til 7-9 weeks. Not so lucky here. So far, it's been quite miserable. The nausea is very consistant, every single day I feel it. Not always to the vomit stage but that's very common too. I work and lay in bed. I bought a fish and named him Vladimir. Small things make me happy, like when I happen to eat a food that feels AND tastes good (rare). So far I've had that experience with tomato soup and a Nicks Special from Timoleons. I'm sick of people telling me how beautiful and great pregnancy is; it fucking sucks.

I'm gonna get to you, you're gonna give in to me.

Nothing ever calms down. The second I'm settled and happy, life throws curveballs left and right and suddenly everything changes. I want to go adventure away, but now I have this man here that makes me feel unbelievable. The way he kisses me just takes my breath away, and there's nothing more beautiful that someone who loves being seen with you, loves kissing you back, isn't worried about what someone else will think. He makes me very happy, I hope its mutual. I think it is :)

This is the hand we've been dealt.

If I could write a letter to anyone from that winter of my life:
Would you believe it? After all these years, I fell in love with him. Everyone saw it, you know how happy we were, and I got scared and I ran from it. But it followed me regardless and now I'm helpless. I'm infatuated and incapable of dropping it like a rock in a lake. I crave him, constantly. I build myself up and through no real fault of his own, I am let down repeatedly. I'm fighting for something that doesn't actually exist, a relationship with 180 miles and different lifestyles tearing it apart.
What makes me think that this battle is worth fighting for? When I was last with him, I couldn't wait to get there, and then I couldn't wait to leave. As soon as I was with him, I didn't want him to touch me. But mere hours after I left, I missed his arms and his lips.
And now I wish I was falling asleep in his arms and not by myself on a couch.
Am I fickle, is this all my fault? How do I shut it off?

The Road goes ever on and on...

I've finally acquired my own apartment, and I'm very happy with it. My own space, my own everything! And it isn't small, its a good sized one bedroom apartment and my landlady is very generous and agreeable with the rent.
I also recently got a good raise and promotion at my fantastic job. Hard work and dedication does pay off! But they're my family, and its hardly ever unpleasant to be there. I do what I want, when I want.
I'm on the verge of my summer vacation ! Leaving tomorrow night after I get out of the restaurant, spending a week in Maine with my family. I bought tickets to see Lady Antebellum, Billy Currington, and Joe Nicholls with my dad and two siblings, and I'm wicked pumped for it! I've been a concert junkie this summer, I saw Skrillex, Goo Goo Dolls, DJ Snake, Plain White Ts, and Daughtry.
As good as everything is, I still feel off. Like I'm missing something in my life, and I'm not sure what it could be.

I have moments of loneliness, of sadness and weakness.
I have more moments of joy, relief, and beauty.

Overall things are good, and I like being in control of my life.

I wonder what might happen if I left this all behind...

So the rumor has it that life gets easier, that some things hurt real bad for a while, but it gets better. But the process you go through to reach that place? You simply become numb.

You learn to block feelings and dreams, you let go of how you want something to be and pretend it never was. You shut down the parts of you that ache, and you carry on as a partial ghost.

Until something or someone sparks and makes you feel alive again.