It's time to face the music; I'm no longer your muse.

"In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away."

Well. Made $400 today. I'd say it was pretty fun. 13 hour shifts are really exhausting though.

I sometimes wonder why I do the things I do...why I make the decisions I make. There never seems to be any logic behind it.
I'm really not staying in Maine. Chances are I'll never see him again. And I really think he was my One. Why is the chance of that not enough for me to go back? I want more than anything to build a life with him, what a beautiful dream. There I go again, running away when the walls come up...but I know he won't come with me. I will tell him how I feel though, that way there are really no regrets. But with time, almost all aches heal...

One of our cooks remind me horribly of someone I used to know...someone who really broke me apart, mentally and emotionally. Every time I look at him, my heart twinges with a familiar pain. I try to stay away from him, just because the memories that come back are old and unwanted...the guy is real nice, it's not his fault, it's just me.

Snow!

Yes...lots and lots of it. Ski ski ski ski!

Mi padre just called to inform me that Riverdance is coming to Bangor in April, and I'm buying us both tickets to go. It's been my dream to see Riverdance live ever since I was little, and I'm so ridiculously excited that it's going to happen!

French-press Prime Roast coffee, homemade breakfast sandwich on a bagel, and red velvet cake...what a fantastic breakfast. We all get to struggle to work later, wahoo. And I get to talk severely to my boss and tell him that from all the times he says he owes me, he can pay it back by giving me three days off this week. If not, there will be problems and he can find someone else to call last second to come in. Bam.

If you're going to leave, well you better get going.

I hate how you decide to beg for me two weeks before you leave. I hate how you know exactly how to win me over. I hate the fact that I'm standing up for myself and turning you down. I hate that I might never see you again. I hate that I care. I hate that I love you. I hate that you don't care.

When will my life begin?

Do you ever get that feeling that your life hasn't even really started? That you've just been going along, but the best is yet to come?
I'm so excited for my future that sometimes I forget to enjoy the present. But I love planning.
So my resort job is ending in April/May, and I'll need a new plan, and my selections are thus:

1.Move back to Keene, (People are begging me to return), live with a friend, make pizzas, and go to River Valley/KSC for business management/restaurant management specifically.
2. Move back home to my family and attend a school up here where I know nobody and get a job somehow, but everything will include 30/60 minutes of driving time.
3. Work at a summer camp in Portland ME til August and figure out details afterwards.

I wish I could do all three options at the same time, every one is exciting in its own way

Maybe it's time to settle down somewhere, make a solid plan and keep to it, stop jumping around from place to place. But there's nobody to tie me down, nobody I want to stay in one place for. Maybe once I find that, I'll settle down.

The resort is fantastic, still loving it and everyone there :) (Happy Birthday cousin E!)

Happy Birthday.

Well, the teenage years are now behind me, I can no longer use the "I'm an immature stupid teenager' excuse for things.
20 seems too old for me...like it doesn't fit.

We got a huge snowstorm, it was lovely, so good for the mountain! Also meant no one could make it to my 'party', but I don't usually celebrate my birthday so it's alright. Regardless of attendance, I still made three pizzas, a deluxe fruit salad, and 20 margarita jello shots. Of which I took 14. My roommates and I had a good time.

Yeah, there are new people in the house now, no longer just me, A. and L. I have a new girl sharing my room, K, and she's really neat. I like her alot. She's working at the resort as well.

And the last room got rented out to a boy, T, who claims his gf isn't living with him, but she never leaves...they're also resorters.

Now it's around seven thirty and I'm wide awake, kind of obnoxious...I passed out for maybe four hours and that's it. I work tonight, so more sleep would be appreciated. Not hung over though!

Anyway, 19 was a very fun year, one of my favorites yet. Thanks to everyone that made it so fantastic. Let's make 20 better :)

Don't you know the hardest part is over?

"Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you.
Let it shine,
'til you feel it all around you.
And I don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by;
It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made
in these small hours.
These little wonders,
these twists and turns of fate.
Time falls away
but these small hours,
these small hours,
still remain.

All of my regret
will wash away somehow,
but I cannot forget
the way I feel right now..."

I'm happy that you know where you're going; I wish I could say of myself that was true.

"We both pursue something worth knowing
But I may not end with the same thing as you..."

As the New Year begins, it brings a sad truth...
I said goodbye to PS today...it's going to be a long time before I see him again. And it's breaking my heart. We're fighting so hard to stay with each other...and yet it's getting more and more difficult. Our lives are going in different directions, and I hate it...I'd give up everything to go be with him, I'd work a job I hate, I'd become politically involved and go to college just so we could keep going down the path of Life together...It's not that he's leaving me behind, it's just we have different ideas for our futures...we want different things. I know I'll want him forever though, as my best friend.

My visit to NH went well, there are people that make me wonder why I bother going back, and then someone else will prove to me why I do return. Thanks to everyone I saw :) and you should have let me answer the phone Kitty. :P

And its back to the resort tonight :)