We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to time.

New Years has never been a big deal to me. It was just a day where my family and I would make finger food and play games and stay up late and see the fireworks. The first year I spent New Years away from home was two years ago, and even though I was out having a good time, it wasn't very special. And then last year, again hanging out and having a good time, but nothing extraordinary (except for when P.S. took my keys away because I wanted to see T. Haha, I was so mad!). But I absolutely adore watching couples share their first kiss of the New Year, it's a beautiful thing, even if its fragile.

This past year has been a crazy ride, so many ups and downs, and I made it through, even when I thought I wouldn't. Here's to survival! I made so many new friends, met so many crazy people, and had so many amazing experiences. And for everything I lost, I made it back a hundred fold.

This year, I'm bringing in the New Year at the resort, helping make other peoples New Years Eve a better experience, and that sounds like a fantastic night to me!

To everyone: Be safe tonight, if you're drinking, keep it under control, there is no one else to blame for your mistakes if you drink too much. If you're driving, be seriously careful. And have a wonderful bringing-in of the New Year!

Good things come to those who pray.

"Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste; there's so much to celebrate."

I was prepared to spend tonight crying my eyes out, alone in my room. Sometimes, there are sacrifices you have to make, and not going home for Christmas was one of them. Hardest thing I ever had to accept, I'd never been away from home on Christmas before.

And that was all before about 3:00PM today, when my boss told me I was off tomorrow, and to have a merry Christmas.

God loves me. It's amazing.
I almost started bawling in the middle of the restaurant. Embarrassing much? Ya.

Well, guess I'll get on the road :) I've got a big family to get home to. (And I didn't tell them. So when Vinn pulls into the driveway, it'll be like a Christmas wish come true.)

The magic of the holidays never ceases to amaze me; the love and joy it brings to everyone, even those who don't believe.

Hey, Jesus? Happy birthday, I love you.

Ow.

Yep. Ow. That's about it. This relationship I have with skiing is very violent and unhealthy...I should break it off...but as addictions go, I won't.
These bruises are...very large, and everything just hurts.
BUT IT WAS SO COOL. except the wiping out parts.

Got called into work tonight, was lovely, I should be hitting overtime this week, fantastic...I'd rather go home for Christmas, but alas, it won't happen.

Peaceout world. It's sleepytime.

She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments.

I feel like I'm over-saying this...but my job is awesome. Dude.
I got my season pass figured out today, and the cousin is coming down tonight, so we're all going to hit the slopes tomorrow and Thursday :D

I won't be able to go home for Christmas...kind of heart-breaking, but necessary. It'll be the first Christmas away from home...

The job is going so well, I love every aspect of it so far. It'll be nice to have the next few days off though.

Anyway, just updating for the sake of updating.

I'm feelin' like a star, ya can't stop my shine.

So I started at the resort today, and it was SO. MUCH. FUN!
My coworkers are super cool and super fun, and super nice! This one lady, she's hotter than most 20 year olds I know (and she looks 20) and she's like 40. WHAAT.
This is going to be the most spectacular winter, I can't wait for the season to really kick in and for things to get wild.
20 dollar tips are regular, no big deal. I can live with that.
I'm sitting in the lobby now, waiting for Flower to get out. She started her Valle position today, also making bank. We's be livin' the life duude.

The only thing that would make this better, is if Kisses came to visit. And then I could say I was in Heaven on Earth. :)

Dude, the food? SO GOOD. I had a steak tip salad with...gosh I don't even know what was on it, but hello delicious!

My life? It's awesome.

That's the funny thing about life; it'll go on...without you.

I'm all settled in my room! It's a lovely blue, the bed is awesome, and there's a full-length mirror! Brother and his lady and I made a great dinner tonight, and cookies and tea and When Harry Met Sally afterwards!
Great movie, and it got me to thinking that maybe it'll take a few run-ins with each other, but eventually Kisses and I will fall in love and be together forever ! And I'm willing to wait for that. I miss seeing him every day...there's nothing to look forward to in my morning anymore, except his texts :)

Hehe, Frances and Kitty :) I like it. Alooot.

But you, I don't like. Ass, get over yourself, throwing around words like 'love' just because you can't handle rejection isn't cool. And I already know I'm beautiful, get some new material. Oh look you're online...lets see if you contact me.

Orientation in the morning, gosh am I nervous! Wish me luck!

Well it's all so overrated, not saying how you feel.

"So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
'Cause I don't wanna waste another moment
Saying things we never meant to say."

And just like that, things have changed. A simple weekend visit to NH turns into a bunch of life-changing experiences and it's honestly mind-blowing how unexpected all of them were. It's not enough to come back for good, but it's enough to get my attention.
The morning sun is beautiful, reflecting off the windows of down-town. It's been so long since I've really enjoyed a sunrise, it takes me back to a better time where I had less worries.
And once again, that magic I felt earlier this summer, has returned. It surrounds me, fills my heart, strengthens my soul, and reminds that no matter how ridiculous this life is, no matter how awful or good it is, it's all meant to be, and it was inescapable. And as for the 'How did I get here!?" part? Well, also unexplainable and unavoidable.
Thank you to my pizza crew; it was lovely working with you guys again :) I miss it all the time.
Thanks to my friends, especially one, cause she is the shit and I wish I could see more of her and her sexy self. (yes, you, kitty.)

Until next time, keep yourself safe New Hampshire, and I'll be awaiting my next visit eagerly !

The show must go on.

The big day is here.
I'm all packed, I move down tomorrow.

And Grammie has passed on as of 30 minutes ago. :(
How am I supposed to go to work tomorrow for my last day and pretend like I'm happy at all? I'm trying so hard but all I can think about is how she won't be there anymore, and it makes me cry at just the thought. I can't focus on anything else.
The worst part? How much he's hurting. P.S., stay strong :( I wish I could heal your heart and make it all go away...I hate that I can't...I don't know if I can handle seeing you cry, it breaks my heart.

Hugs from Jesus please.

And another exciting chapter begins...

As expected, I got the job. I'm going to be a waitress at the fanciest restaurant at the resort! You would generally make about 100$ in tips in one night. Awesome? I thought so.

Sent the landlord an email, waiting to hear back on details about which room I can have (I want the upstairs pink one!)

Calling my boss to give her my notice. Letting my church folk know I'm leaving.
It's pretty exciting...I wish my parents were better at pretending they were excited for me. :/
I knew it'd be hard to leave once I got here, but this is only two hours away, I'll be home for Christmas probably, it'll all work out.
And I'll have a blast!! Ski resorts are SO exciting! And I'll be living with my brother and his lady, which will be fantastic also. Already found the cutest little coffee shop / bakery !

And I offer no sympathy for that; better off I sparkle on my own.

"Fall away to the sound of my heart to your beat
Melancholy and cool, kind of bitter sweet
Love on repeat
I'm echoing all your philosophies."

So I'm not sure what my problem is. But regardless, I am driving down to the resort tomorrow for an interview at the super fancy restaurant there. This is very promising.
Why? I'm not sure.
I'm restless here.
And there is no way I would justify staying at a job like this just for the sake of a man.
And yet, I still haven't told him.


I'm really gonna miss his smile.

Keep holding on, 'cause you know I'm here for you.

I hate cancer. I hate it.

There is nothing worse than losing somebody you love during the holidays.
A time when everyone is so happy,
But all you can do is cry
And hurt.

This isn't fair.

I hate this.

She might not make it til Christmas.

I hate cancer.

It's the most wonderful time of the year !

WARNING: ADVENT VIRUS

Be on the alert for symptoms of inner Hope, Peace, Joy and Love. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to this virus and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of The Advent Virus:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

Please send this warning out to all your friends. This virus can and has affected many systems. Some systems have been completely cleaned out because of it.

I have died every day waiting for you; darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years.

I'll love you for a thousand more...

This job is just getting worse...and it's really not worth the stress and the attitude you get for trying to do your job. I wish I had the guts to just quit.
Tomorrow is the last day of the week, thank God. The boozing will begin as soon as I get home.
It's too bad you judged her. She would've been there for you, just like every time before.
Ziplining is going to be so fun :D zipping through the woods, barely suspended, going very fast, could die any second, what a thrill. :D
Goodnight ! I hope everybody has a lovely Thanksgiving, and that you're all thankful for what you have, and not wishing you had more.

Me: You look like a peach today.
Him: 'Cause I'm sweet and good for you? ;)
Me: Uh...well yes, but I was referring to your fuzzy face and peach-colored polo.

How ignorant can a person be? Oops, shouldn't have asked.

bless·ing

   [bles-ing]

noun

1.

A favor or gift bestowed by God, thereby bringing happiness.

heav·en

   [hev-uhn]

noun

1.

the abode of God, the angels, and the spirits of the righteous after death; the place or state of existence of the blessed after the mortal life.

love

[luhv]
noun.
1. God.

If you are a self-proclaimed Atheist, you don't believe in these things, right?
So don't bother telling someone 'Bless you' after they sneeze ('cause you don't believe in blessing), don't bother reassuring people "I'm sorry about your loss, she/he's up there looking down on you with love," ('cause if there's no God, there's no Heaven, therefore no afterlife. You just die. Bye bye.) and mostly don't say "I love you," because you know NOTHING about love if you don't acknowledge the existence of the one who created Love (It sure wasn't Buddha honey.), and then in the same breathe, bash the existence of any sort of God.

Who spiked the eggnog?!

I made a potato and bacon soup tonight. It's so delicious!
Momma made fish chowder. Ew.

Mom and I drank two bottles of wine :D

He's gonna find out if you're naughty or nice!

And it's Dominick the Christmas donkey!

AND I WANNA HAVE CHRISTMAS DOWN IN AAAAFRICAAA. not really. I like beign heree.

Shit man I love the holiday season.

Three day work week, Thurs - Sunday off. Alex is getting here Tues.
Mom bought a large bottle of southern comfort and four bottles of wine. I have two bottles of wine. Alex is bringing large quantities of beer.
I feel like...it's gonna be constant boozing Wed. night to Sunday night.
me hasnt drank this much in months yo.

<3 <3 <3 c c :D
GOD BLESS YALLLLLLLLLL (even if you don't beleive in him)

And all too soon, all this will end, and where will we be?

He thinks I'm perfect.
As much as the compliment made me blush, I wish he believed me when I told him I'm really not.
Just because I'm extremely talented with finding things around the office that nobody else can find, it isn't anything special, I just pay attention to details.
Just because I always seem to look fantastic, it's the make up :P you should see me when I'm at home. Different story.
And you think I'm so nice, that I couldn't ever hurt anybody or raise my voice. You have much to learn.

...but I also think the same of him, and I'm sure he doesn't consider himself perfect.

So maybe, sometimes you should just sit back and enjoy being complimented and not always think negatively about it?

My faaavorite time of year.

Food season has officially begun, hooray!

Staff meeting tomorrow, its a thanksgiving potluck :D i'm bringing a super delicious mess of stuffing and chicken and gravy. So much food will be there, we can just sit and eat and eat and not work, and I can oogle away.

I wish I was more naturally prone to giving compliments. I do notice if you look nice today, or if you look especially handsome in that color shirt, I just don't feel I need to voice my opinion because it doesn't especially matter...and yet you still find a way to tell me how great I look and it doesn't come out weird...share the secrets bud.
Oh, and sorry about almost taking out your eye with that tissue box...it was meant for Kt.

Craaashing, it's sleepytime. :)

Oh, and lil' Theo is just getting cuter by the day, it's a bit ridiculous.

P.L.

I didn't expect you'd be the one picking up the phone
I just wanted to ask when my friend would be out
But I heard the break in your voice when I said it was me...

And I don't think a million apologies would fix this
And I don't expect an ounce of forgiveness

None of this was planned
And I think you realize that better than me.
And I was so focused on myself
And getting out and being free

I never saw how much you loved me.

Remember that night, where I walked to see you
And we drank jager in your your living room
You did everything right
You made me feel like a princess

And when I left in the morning
You asked for one last kiss
But I walked away...

I never saw how much you loved me.

But when I saw you months later
You told me how beautiful I looked
And for the first time...

I saw how much you loved me.

But you deserve somebody better
Even though I'm 'the girl of your dreams.'
Just let me go, let me walk
You'll never even have to hear me talk
Again.

I want to wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all...so why don't you slide?

Momma made a big dinner. Now I'm ready to hibernate.

The pizza place has been on my mind alot lately...not sure why, but I'm missing it more and more. They were my adopted family, they took care of me when no one else would. There were so many times where I just felt sad and depressed and had no where to go, so I went there and got hugged and given food. But now I'm home with my real family...but it's still not the same.

This new(ish) job is great, I'm really lucky to have been given this chance. Almost everybody in the company has a college degree and are 30+, and this is going to look fantastic on a resume. Working for the government and state gets frustrating...I just can't wait for the heating season to end. It's hard to help people in need when your President doesn't think they need to stay warm this winter and therefore cuts your funding...

It's a three day weekend! It felt great to sit at home today and relax...got Vinny back from the shop, hopefully he'll be running better now.
Going out with C tomorrow :) ridiculously excited. He's such a fantastical person.

I would've killed for this attention from you back then.

Remember back when I loved you? When we were best friends, and we were going to take over the world together? We were unstoppable.
And then you decided that it wasn't worth it, and you left me. You broke apart everything, all those 'unbreakable' bonds suddenly meant nothing.

It was weeks before I could accept it.
It was months before I could believe we were really over.
It took a year to talk about it.
It took two years before I could think about you without my heart hurting.

Oh, the pains of first love.

And now, years later, you're practically begging for me to love you. You'd do anything to be with me, to hold me, to kiss me. You would leave your girlfriend to be with me.
And I find you to be the most obnoxious kid I've ever had the misfortune to know. You bug me like mad, and sometimes I really wish you'd just go away. You were much more likeable back when I was fifteen.
You make me laugh. Go back to your girlfriend who loves you, and stop fantasizing about something that will NEVER happen. You killed all emotion I ever had for you.

"Wait,
I know your heart's been shattered.
But there's someone worth the wait.
There's so much more that matters
And I know you will be alright,
Just try to love the little things in life
Like running in the rain."

Lying here with a sleeping infant on my chest should make me feel happy, but right now it doesn't. It's been hard to smile this week...not sure why, I seem to be stuck in a low spot. The nightmares just need to stop being so awful I think, it's hard to wake up and go on with your day pretending you feel fine when all you can think about is bad memories.
I'm in my run-away state of mind.

I had a good/bad dream last night, a dream about this past spring and summer and all the friends I was hanging around with. Made me miss the good times we had! :) and yes, I mean all of you.

Might go down and make pizzas this weekend...but I don't know if that'll make me any happier in the long run.

Cheer up buttercup.

I'm captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.

I'm somewhere floating above the earth, blissfully unaware.
Legit.
Here is the story:

I sat with him for lunch today. A bunch of other folks around the office were going to go out for a few drinks after work, and they had invited us (changed location just for me 'cause I'm not 21). And I said I doubted I'd go, had things to do, and he said the same, had stuff to do. So okay.

Then we were all leaving, and Kt begged me. So I said fine I'd go for a bit. And as I was about to walk out the door, C calls to me and says "Are you going?" and I said "Yeah, for a little!" And he said "Okay wait for me by the cars, I'll go!" And so I asked "Well we're just gonna head over, what's your number?" and he gives me his number *squeak*.

So we get there, and I didn't get to sit near him, but that's fine. And half-way through he asked if Andrew would switch so I could sit near him, but I told him to stop, I was happy where I was.
And I get up to leave, and he got up at the same time, funny...we had to leave at the same time...odd. But he got busy talking so I just left. I texted him later to apologize and if he would go on a date with me later this week. And he said yes :)

Sooo. Am I happy? Happy isn't a...big enough word.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

k bye.

Two scared little runaways, hold fast to the break of day.

"We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
And the shadows prove the sunshine."

And here starts the winter. I doubt the fear will ever really leave me, but I know that I would rather be here with my family than anywhere else, so I can't leave. The panic is getting better, if I don't think about it. But every time a stupid over-confident driver speeds by me on the interstate in the icy morning, it makes my stomach turn and I feel sick. To all my friends that read this, please...just slow down this winter, always drive carefully...no one should have to go through what I did almost 23 months ago. It's not worth the risk.

Daddy's doing all the driving, that should make it easier too.

It makes me cry happy tears to know that I'll be home for the holidays finally. No driving 5 hours in blizzards to get home on Christmas Eve. No arriving just in time for Thanksgiving dinner. No having my stocking delivered to me in a box on St. Nicholas's feast day. So happy :)

Mandie is coming up to visit this weekend, :) and the weekend after I'm going to spend it with Alex and Lily and go skiing and play around in the fancy resort they live in! I can't wait!

:) C.

Happy Halloween (:

Good afternoon :) I finally got some downtime (I'm sick again :/) so I figured I'd update! It's been a really busy week, haven't had any rest time :/ I'm glad it snowed today, meant I had a legitimate excuse to cancel everything I was supposed to go do and stay home. I am currently curled up on the couch by the blaring wood stove, all warm and cozy :)

So Alex and his lady showed up Thursday night and surprised us, that was very nice :) couldn't wait to get out of work on Friday so we could get home and start boozin'. It was a night of great food, great ale, and tequila/whiskey shots.

Then we rose to a beautiful Saturday, and did some yard work, and proceeded to set up the woods and yard for the Halloween party. Such an awesome event, I'm proud of myself :)

Set up a Haunted Hayride with the fourwheeler, took the kids down through the woods and had all sorts of scary things jumping out and strobe lights and glow paint and spooky things! Poor Lizzy cried (But I sort of take it as a compliment...sort of...)

So that was very fun :) enjoyed a nice blazing fire outside in the backyard and waited for the snow to hit.

<3 my replacement lunch buddy.

P-Fest 2011; I bite.

Best weekend ever. I saw everybody that I wanted too, and more :) shout outs:

Thanks for the bacardi, bonfire, and passionfruit liquor, you're the best big brother ever :)

Thank you for the 12 hour shift. I loved seeing you guys again, thanks for...well just everything. I love you all, and miss you every day.

Thank you for surprising me, for renewing my faith in you, and for letting me fall asleep in your arms...don't let that kiss be our last.

Thanks for the awkward staring?

Thanks for all my friends coming to see me :) I've missed all of you so much.

Now to read scary stories for the Rolling Thunder Scary Story contest (We're the judges.) Bye!

You taste like sunlight && strawberry bubblegum(:

I'm comfortable where I am and with my job, so I think I'll stay up here for the winter :)

New best friend, Ktlyn. She is amazing. And her dog is the cutest puggle ever. AHH. Biffle!
Hehe, poor Craig gets no attention anymore now that we have each other to chat to. He smells wonderful.

Just got the text I've been anxiously waiting for since Sunday. 1PM-1AM on Saturday, Athens Pizza. makin' baaaaank.
I can't wait to see Kayla. I miss her more than anybody.
{oh. and you'd best come see me miss chappelle.}

My daddy's real nifty most of the time, I like him. I think I'll keep him.
Theo is darn adorable too!

And I like that new Bruno Mars song alot too, actually.
"If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
Will keep you by my side
And keep you from walkin' out the door.

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Oh if I was in their shoes, I'd be doin' the same thing
Sayin' "There goes my little girl
Walkin' with that troublesome guy..."

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Oh but little darlin' watch me change their minds
Yea for you I'll try I'll try I'll try I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make you mine

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain, rain, rain

Oh don't just say, goodbye
Don't just say, goodbye
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
And there'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
And just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain."

Ever have those days where you just don't know what to do?

Yeah, it's one of those days...so I made decisions last night, and here they are...
I'm attending KVCC, starting this summer, to get my associates in business administration. And directly after school, I'm shipping out with the PeaceCorps to a country in need of help in their communities. It's official, and I'm not changing my mind, this is what I want. And with my scholarships/grants, I'll be going to school and paying out of pocket, so there won't be any loans to worry about, and even if I have loans, the PeaceCorps puts them on hiatus until I return.

The PeaceCorps program is (generally) a two year commitment. So it's a big deal.

And then my brother came up with a proposition...he wants me to move in with him a couple hours further South, and work at the Sunday River ski resort for the winter, and make bank. I haven't fully decided...but I know I should go.

It's always just when you think your life has calmed down that everything just suddenly changes.
But I've always been good with jumping on the speeding train and going along.

And while I float along this ocean, I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave.

Train is a truely remarkable band, their songs are just beautiful, in meaning and in sound.
"You're coffee-brown, and bubble-gum pink, and yes I think the shade of you is on the brink of changing all the ways that I see the world."

Another work week complete, I love Fridays. Though I do miss my HEAP crew. We kick butt, and it's getting colder so everything is getting crazier...supervisors have been super stressed lately. Hooray for big staff meeting next week...but I had a great lunch break today with a great person :)

Auntie Brenda and Grandpa are up in Maine! They'll be coming over sometime tomorrow...gosh it's definitely been years. I don't think I've ever seen Grandpa not on the farm lol. They came in perfect timing, they can meet lil' Theo !

I'm gonna go cuddle him now. BYE!

Lil' Theo!

Theodore Walter LaBrecque was born around 10PM on October 10th, he was 9.3 pounds :D

I put some pix up on facebook, so you guys can see him :) lots of dark hair. He's positivally adorable in every way! Joey is very excited about his 'babee bruffer'

Well that's all the exciting news...work is going very well, had a rather chaotic day today, but I kept everyone laughing about it. Then we wrote all over Lisa's gross van, bwahaha.

And hm. 29? I could handle that. :) it's hard to make conversations when butterflies are going crazy :P silly boy!

More baby time :) bye!

ITS TIIIME!

So I just got home from an AWESOME adventure to New Hampshire (THANKS TO GARY MORSE FOR DRIVING ME!) And thanks to everyone else, I love you all SO MUCH. Especially Kayla Marie <3 best friend.

And so, I'd love to update you on all the awesome things I did, but my mother just went into labor.

ITS BAAAAABYY TIIIMEE.

Don't be a liar; don't say that everything's working when everything's broken.

Aw, Steve Jobs died. Guess how many American troops died that day too? They didn't make any front pages. Just a thought.

Oh. Our cat died too, got hit by a car. Gross.

And also, people just suck. Bitch and complain all you want about how awful your life is, and how pathetic your family is, but guess what? You do NOTHING to fix it. You cause more conflict and make everything more difficult. Why? Oh just because you feel like it. Because you don't feel like getting along with your wife. Because you've decided to oppose every little thing she does, including buying food for your kids. Awesome, you're definitely so much better. Let's just pretend like everything is fine, like always.
Good thing sunglasses hide blurry eyes.

Bye.

A streetlamp dies, another night is over; another day is dawning.

Alyssa + Peter + Dan + December + DC + ROADTRIP+ NYC = It'll be the best week ever.

It's getting colder out here...supposed to get the first frost tonight. It's so hard to get out of bed at six AM when it's so chilly.
The job is going very well, I've learned so much more. And the crazy thing? I think they like me a lot. And this one guy? He's pretty nifty :) (Ktlyn is still my favorite.)

Ugh...Momma should be a'popping any day now.

This week marks the three year anniversary of the 'end of the world' (aka our initial move to Maine.) I never would have thought that three years later I'd be here willingly. I remember how different life was...I was sixteen, I had just had the best past year, and my world got ripped apart. I'd lost my best friend, a lover, my job, my house, my life...but I made it through. It's funny, how life throws little twists at you.

So I was driving home from work a few days ago, and a song came on the radio that I used to hear at retreats all the time. The memories brought happy tears to my eyes, and suddenly the sun burst brightly through the depressingly cloudy sky, and I got that myheartisonfire feeling. The sun illuminated everything; the trees sparkled with rain, the road was reflective, and the horizon seemed to stretch on and on forever. And I knew He just wanted to say hi :) I'm a lucky girl.

Peace!

Talk about strange!

So I get back from work yesterday, and we all get ready to head out to dance. We get there, and the band is AMAZING! It's just two people, one guy on an electric violin, and the other playing a guitar AND a didgeridoo at the SAME TIME. BADASS. The music was simply superb, the energy was awesome. And Keith and Lee had some super sick dance moves, we tore up the dance floor, just like old times.

And so we're having a blast, and suddenly as I'm dancing, I run into this girl...she looks oddly familiar...we stop. And scream "I KNOW YOU...WHY ARE YOU IN MAINE?"

I've seen this girl at dances/misc. events in NH for years, but I never actually got introduced to her, she's even in my friend circle. But it turns out that LUCY is going to college up here, and just happened to come out to dance that night! It's a small world huh!?
So we had a super awesome night, and we arrived back home to find Alex and Lily sitting in the living room !

It's miserable outside, raining and cold, so we went down to the library and rented a ton of movies to watch. So far we've watched Defiance (excellent movie, true story about a group of Jews during the Holocaust.), and MEGAMIND.
Big steak and chicken grill night, bring out the harvest ale!
PEACE!

&& I want you to know, you're far from the usual(:

Well everyone is here :) Life is amazing. Just played some awesome rounds of Catchphrase. Bummed that I have to go to sleep at a decent hour and go to work tomorrow, but oh well. Super awesome contra dance tomorrow!!! Lol my family is pretty freakin' awesome.
I get to learn how to handle clients tomorrow, I'm pretty stoked. I'll be so much more important and helpful. Chillin' with my old lady Eleanor, she's gonna show me how it's done!

Oh, so that second blog I started, it's the blog of a fictional teenager that I thought up one day. Go ahead and read about her ridiculous life, she's really likeable.

So...Awkward is offically the best T.V. show around, besides the X-Files. SO.ADDICTED. Check it out, if you don't know what it is.

Sleeptime, party time, YEAAAH.
PEACE.

But, girl, you’ll remember what your knees are for.

Today was such a beautiful day! Too bad I was stuck in an office for most of it, but Daddy and I had a nice cruise home together :) he's probably just about the best Dad in the world.
I made cookies last night, they didn't come out as good as I wanted, so I didn't bring them into work. Some kid wrapped a knife in a towel and left it on the washing machine, and so when I went to move said towel, the knife fell out and stabbed my foot. Not so yummy. Just another day in the life!

I wish I didn't aim so high with my goals, takes a longer time to get them, they're so much further away. But I can't settle for anything less. There is so much to accomplish in life. And I deserve the best. Do what you gotta to go where you wanna. Just don't ever think it's going to be easy. I know that no matter where I go, I've got Someone lookin' out for me, catching me before I fall, holding me when I'm crying, and loving me without limitations.


"Dear Mom and Dad,
I’ll send money. I’m so rich that it ain’t funny.
It oughtta be more than enough to get you through.
Please don’t worry 'cause I’m all right,
I’m stayin’ here at the Ritz tonight
Whaddya know, we made our dreams come true.
And there are fancy cars and diamond rings,
But you know that they don't mean a thing.
They all add up to nothin' compared to you.
Well, remember me in ribbons an' curls.
I still love you more than anything in the world...
Love, your baby girl."

As long as we are apart together, we shall perfectly be fine.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you."
-Christopher Robin.

It's a Pooh Bear night with Natey, funny how the movie is set during the first day of Autumn. There's really nothing as exciting as checking your bank account and having 300 dollars more than you had planned. Man I love direct deposit!
So to celebrate, I bought Chinese food for the family tonight :)

"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"

Lizzy's making me some tea, I'm so tired that I need some caffeine to stay awake...it's kind of sad to be crashing by 8:45 on a Friday night.

"Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."

Had a rocky start to the day...Dad decided to be a crankypants and take off without me this morning...very considerate of course. So I had gotten up extra early, to just be left behind. So I had to take good ol' Vincent, which was fine, he and I had some good owner-vehicle bonding time. Bad start to my morning though...but I forgave him by the time I got out of work and took him out for some coffee and danishes.

"They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them."

I just found out that Lee, Mandie, and Keith will be coming up to visit next week, holy-super-duper-freaking-excited! And there's a super fantastic contra dance next Friday as well! And Alex is going to be making a visit sometime soon as well!

""Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called."

Okay, tea and Pooh Bear and brownies, definitely the way I'd like to spend every single night of my life.

"I'm out here in the dark
All along and wide awake
Come and find me.
I'm empty and I'm cold
And my heart's about to break
Come and find me.
I've hung a wish on every star,
It hasn't done much good so far.
I don't know what else to do
Except to try and dream of you...
And I wonder...if you're dreaming too
Wherever you are.'
-Pooh Bear

It's Friiiday, Friiiday, gotta get down on Friiiday!

End of the work week! End of waking up at 6AM! Loveee it.

No one can be held responsible for your actions except you, it's true. As much as you want to blame someone else, there's no justification.
But I don't care; I will stand by you regardless, even if you think you're a monster. You need to get away, away from all the same bullshit, for your own sake...hold on, don't give in :/

And the sickness is gone, finally, those three days were like Hell. Commonground Fair is this weekend, it's Maine's biggest Fall excitement spot. Some of my NH friends are coming up :) then starting the whole slew of religious ed on Sunday :D CANNOT WAIT!
It's a good thing I don't want to do anything but work and sleep.

I got the usual every-couple-month poke today...he likes to check in on me to make sure I'm still breathing...thanks? We can't be civil friends of course, but he just like to keep tabs. Sweet. After the smile comes the sting of another year gone by.

Goodnight all <3 bring on another great weekend of family, woodstacking, fairs, food, coffee, and sunshine.

"I'm not calling for a second chance;
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
"Give me reason, but don't give me choice.,
'cause I'll just make the same mistake again..."
And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk
And not just speak....
Don't buy the promises
'cause there are no promises that I keep.
And my reflection troubles me,
so here I go."
-James Blunt

"Mom, come in here, I need to draw up my will, just in case."

Because I have this delinquent brother who lacks ANY kind of immune system, so he catches every little illness available to mankind, and brings it inside the castle walls, and GIVES IT TO US.
So today was difficult. The peak of the cold hit me while I was at work, and surprise, we had a staff meeting from 12-4! So I got to sit in a room with fifty odd strangers, and I couldn't stop sniffling.
If this doesn't improve by the morning, I'm going to call out. I don't want to get the other people in the office ill, and this is especially contagious...hitting all over the state. It's that awful, shivery, shuddery, can't get warm, can't cool down, sore throat, runny nose, kind of fever.

So I had to use my cellphone to call the house phone in the kitchen to get any kind of attention; jeez. ;)

Mmm. Sleep.

Everyone becomes who they really are when they are dancing.

It's true. When you dance, you just let yourself go, and let your body respond to the rhythms you hear. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they dance, awkward to chill. Every type of sound has a different effect on each person, especially music. I went out contra dancing tonight, and it was interesting to watch how all these different people responded to the lively fiddle tunes. Some nodded their heads, others tapped their feet, some broke out into full Irish step-dancing, and others did handstands and jumps. Dance is so natural, so necessary for the health of our bodies and souls. Expression through music is a beautiful thing.

(yeah, today was awesome. survived my first week, fantastic. got dinner and dessert with my daddio, and went dancing with the aunt and cousins and sister =] spending the whole weekend stacking wood for the winter!)

"I'm on a flight tonight
You see me waving at you
You're painting flowers on the ceiling
But you're looking through the leaves
And the cloudy sky to me
I'm carrying our dreams across the sky
To another city where the future lies
For you and I to be, in perfect harmony
I can almost hear that song behind your eyes
And I'll fall asleep to that distant lullaby."
-Sherwood

Help us to make gestures of grace, not of hate. -morning prayer

It's really hard to wake up when it's cloudy and rainy. All I want to do is go back to sleep. And it seems extra cold...

Daddy gave me his ID so I could get a coffee...(coffee meaning whatever else I want too, bwahaha.)

The job is going really well, it's all becoming more familiar. Our company instructs us to take a stretch break at 10AM and 2PM, as to avoid any 'office related injuries'. Our office takes advantage of it, we go crazy. We're a fun crew.

I'm taking my car tomorrow so I get to leave like an hour later than I'd have to with Dad, always good. He's taking me out for chinese once we get out, then I'm meeting my Aunt and cousins and sister in town to go contra dancing!

We got our six cord of wood yesterday...guess what we get to do all weekend? Stack it, ugh.
And the wood stove is now installed in the living room, we have yet to test it out and see how it works.

Alright, I'm gonna go buy some things and head over to the office!
PEACE.

And it begins.

I'm sitting at St. J's cafeteria, I begin my new job in about forty-five minutes. It's right down the road, Dad and I commute to work together to save gas (means I have to go an hour early, no big deal, gives me time to wake up and eat breakfast.) So I'm finally working a full-time regular hour office job; 8:00:4:30 Monday-Friday, it's a big change. I got myself a whole new wardrobe of business casual clothes, so I'm rocking some black slacks, heels, and a pink argyle sweater (SUPER attractive, actually.) I'm not really nervous, just wondering how I'm going to handle typing in data for like eight hours. And there's Daddio, checking up on me, he's funny.

Just realized I'm not really sure how to get out of here...

Anyway. I had a fun visit down to Keene this past weekend, for the most part. Didn't get to see everyone that I wanted to, but I'm really done with Keene. I don't want to go back for a long time, I'm done with that chaotic lifestyle for a while.

Time to go!

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time.

The best thing about being at home again? I'm never lonely. It's such a comfort, knowing that there'll always be somebody close by to talk to or hug. And if I want quiet time, it's easy to find in the forest, or in Vincent. And Joey gives the best little-boy hugs and kisses in the universe.

I babysat the kids today, as usual, and I played the Mamma Mia! soundtrack while I was baking cream-filled cupcakes, and Marie, Lizzy, and Joey decided to have a dance party in the kitchen, beginning with Joey asking "Will you dance with me Wizzy, PLEASE?" It was such a precious moment.
We spent a while going over possible baby names tonight, not even close to a decision yet. Eric, Walter, Eleanor, Winifred, Thomas, Ana Therese, Francis, Isabel, just to name a few!

It's strange, but I don't feel like I've been living lately, as if I've taken a break from my life, gone into a side room off the main hall, taken a time-out. It's like hanging in limbo, not sure if you're going to go up or down, left or right. After being on my own for a few years, coming back home to a place I don't know, to be living somewhere solid instead of moving around every few months...it takes some getting used to.
I just get the feeling that I won't be happy in any one place...but I'm with the people I want to be with; my family is top on my list. And that's enough to keep me here. Having the new baby in a few weeks will make things more exciting, I'll feel more useful, feel like I'm here for a reason.

Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

September 2010.
~~~
Have you ever thought back to your lowest point in life? How does it make you feel? Sad? Maybe angry? Frustrated? I think all of those sums it up for me. I remember my lowest, and most desperate, point so vividly; it shows up as a nightmare every so often, or I look at the bright red jeans I had on, or whenever I'm lost for words, it all takes me back to that awful moment. My voice had shook as I made promises to him, as I begged for a chance, begged for him.
I remember being stunned into silence, barely breathing, eyes on the ground, as the words spilled from his mouth. None of the right words, none of the words I wanted to hear. And I knew I had to throw in the towel; I had to give up this year-long fight. I couldn't keep wishing for something that wouldn't ever happen.
I remember whispering a single word, and with great effort, I forced myself to move. I walked away from him, and I didn't glance back. I remember how hard the tears were spilling down my cheeks, how my entire body felt numb as I ran back to my car, how I looked at his car parked next to mine and realized how it would never be that way again. I remember lying face-down in the grass of the park, hating myself for ever letting this happen. I remember looking up at the starry night sky, and trying to convince myself he was just a single star in a sky of a million brighter, better stars. Maybe some day I would truely believe that, but it was impossible right then. I had lost my favorite reason to smile, and laugh, and shine.
And then, the moon came out from behind a cloud, and cast its light down upon me, and the whisper in my heart said, "I'm still here." And right then I knew that I would be all right.

The last month.

I'm so sick of the hate, of the anger, the overwhelming urge to cry whenever you guys say something mean. How did everything get so bad? It just goes to show how quickly life moves and how easily things change, people change. How quickly 'we'll be friends forever' goes sour.
I miss all of our good times, our jokes, our adventures. All of it still makes me smile. Just because it all came to an angry end doesn't mean we were always that way, I wish you'd remember that.

But time heals everything, soon this will all be forgotten and none of it will matter any more.
I love you guys, and even though you don't give two shits about me, I just want you to know that, and I can't wait for the day when we can all be together and be happy again.

Too far.

I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish by this... Would you like me to lash back out? Stoop to your low level and get my friends to harass you? Give your phone number out to whoever? Lisa was right, you all just need to grow the fuck up and learn to let things go. I would understand this more if I was even living in the same state and you saw me around town, but I'm not. I've moved on, it's high-time you did the same. I know you think this is just so funny, but the police don't, in fact they have very low tolerence for harassment. Just stop, it's simple.

I've never thought your pain was funny, or laughed at you because you were upset.

The seasons are changing once again, Fall is beginning up here. I'm very excited; it's my favorite season...I just don't like the fact that winter follows so close behind. I cannot wait to go apple picking with the kids, and make apple pies and crisps, and celebrate Halloween and make homemade doughnuts, and rake the leaves into piles!

Nate and I made peanut butter fudge a few moments ago (yes, it's 1:40 in the morning...) it was just one of those cravings y'know?
Six weeks til the Mama pops out Nine! :D babies!

We're going to a local fair this weekend, I love county fairs, so that should be really fun!

My mother and I had a long talk about marriage earlier today; I asked her how she managed to put up with the same person for twenty years. Her answer? :"It just becomes part of life, you don't really mind the arguing, and I mean he had a cool car when he was younger."
And I discovered that I wouldn't want to date someone who I was maritally compatible with, because the drama of the dating phase would just mess it all up. (She says it's because I always date losers, ha.) I'm not big on putting up with any kind of bullshit (married life ain't for me then huh?), and it's pretty shocking that men don't believe me when I say that. I'm not lying, I'm dead serious when I tell you I'm not planning on keeping you around. I am more than happy to be flyin' solo.

Anyway...it's sleepy time...
Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

You got a gypsy soul to blame, and you were born for leavin'.

This sure is the nice life! My family is just the best; hands down. Joey and I picked blackberries together the other day, but every time I looked at the basket, it looked emptier...and his little boy face was quite stained with juice.

We got the very first season of Pokemon on Netflix today, it was a really exciting moment to watch the beginning of it all. I haven't seen those first five episodes in...gosh probably six-seven years! (could be exaggerating yes.)

Natey and I made a beautiful cake yesterday, dark chocolate with coffee to add richness, and we frosted it with homemade raspberry buttercream.

A bunch of my friends recently returned home from a pilgrimage to Madrid, Spain, for a world-wide Christian youth event that estimated 1.5 million attendees. A couple years ago I went to the same event, only it was held in Sydney, Australia, and hearing all the stories from Spain brought up all the memories of Aussie, which is something I haven't thought about in a long time.
I remember my mindset back then in 2008. I remember how childish I was, but I am not sure I'm any smarter now. If anything, I feel like I've lost the magic of that time, a magic that I would've killed to never have lost.

I've forgotten the feeling of God whispering into my heart, the feeling of my heart wanting to explode with joy, the feeling that it didn't matter what happened to me, I was always going to be safe in His arms. And some part of me needs that back.

This past year has been a rough one for me and my faith. I let it go, then forgot it ever existed, then wondered when I had lost it and if I could ever get it back. It's difficult, finding your faith as an independent adult as opposed to a carefree teenager.

I guess I'll end this novel now, I could go on for a long time...got a lot on my mind tonight.

Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

For you, T.

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me...

I'd tell it to your face
But you lost your face along the way
And I'd say it on the phone
If I thought you were alone
Why do things have to change?

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one...
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one.
Is anybody waiting at home for you?
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale...

You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found
But I got my hands on you.
Are you strong enough to tow the line?
Are you gonna make me yours
Or do I make you mine?

I'm in and out I'm up and down
Wonder if I'm lost or found
But I need your hands on me now.

But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one...
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one.
Is anybody waiting at home for you?
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale...

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change.

Hopeless, by Train.

It's still you, and even though our lives have taken very different turns, I hope you'll think of me from time to time. I want to be the girl you think about while you're over there, but maybe that's too much to ask. Just promise you'll take care of yourself and be safe, and come back home to us in one piece. <3

This one's for you and me, living out our dreams.

I am unpacked, thanks to my little sisters; they had a blast going through all my stuff and running around the house in my bras.
I was greeted at the door by the cutest little blonde boy screaming "LYSSA LYSSA LYSSA," and excessive hugs. Then he proceeded to introduce me to everyone in the house...
Mom made me my favorite dinner :) and Natey made me a cake, and Sarah made a coconut creme pie. They know me so well!

Today went better than I thought it would, very few tears! I said a couple goodbyes, went to Lindys one last time, got the best hug from the best waiter, got one last pizza at the restaurant, and headed out to UNH to visit a couple more folks on my way up! Thank you Lindsay and Chris for an excellent coffee date !

I'm really excited for tomorrow, coffee with the parents in the morning, then off to an interview. Then the kids and I will probably go swimming and have a bbq :)

Hannah Mansson. I like you.
(like alot. like i like you like...idk. just like yknow?)
And Lisa. I like you alot too.

And so begins this, a new beginning, a new life.

Three posts later, you're still talkin' bout me.

So I'm sitting here in the MCG with Lisa, we just went out to a restaurant with the crappiest service I've ever experienced. We had to demand to be served, get out food, and get our check, because our waitress was too busy walking in circles and showing off her new bleached-blonde hair and small butt. It was quite the experience. It's raining outside now, which is okay.

It's the last night at the pizza place tonight! I'm excited, and also nervous. I feel like a whole lot of tears are gonna be fallin' tonight. It's really been an awesome place to work, and though it gets stressful, the people were fantastic. Thank you for paying me to fool around for the past year or so :)

I went to church this morning, last time there as well. It still amazes me, how easily I forget the feeling of knowing God loves me. I told Him how much I don't deserve it, and how easily I forget He exists, and he told me: No matter how far you go or how far down you fall, I'll always be the one to put you right back up and set you back on your feet. I am More, and I am Greater than any human on Earth, don't forget that.

And to this day, that's always what He's done. Even when I'm at my lowest point, He reminds me of how beautiful and lucky I am to be alive. I owe Him everything, my all.

But drenched in vanilla twilight, I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist-deep in thought because when I think of you, I don't feel so alone. P.S. <3

Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

A vague recap of the past two years.

So I'm going to try and remember all the chaos that has been my LIFE since I moved back to the Granite State, in no particular order:

A.LOT.OF.COFFEE.
And pizza.
Two years.
Two relationships.
One car accident.
Colonel Vincent Pickering
Four moves.
Three jobs.
One heart break.
Contra dances.
A couple hundred sleepovers.
A lot of tears.
A lot of smiles.
A lot of laughs.
P.A.S. always.
Two hospital visits.
Saved a life.
Discovered a passion for sunshine.
And for camping.
And for 'Ryan'.
Met a couple hundred new people.
Learned two new trades.
Discovered that I really don't have to rely on other people to be happy.

Quotes:
"He was organizing my cookies for me...ohh wow, I'm done talking. SO AWKWARD."

"I could get neon yellow skinny jeans!" "Yeah, and put 'wide load' on the butt." "HEY!'

"I'm not in a position to treat you like you deserve; I'm a horrible person. But we can be friends right?" Ha.

"What do goats drink?" "GHOSTMILK!" "Wait...I said goats..."

"There is kittyjuice ALL OVER MY LEG."

"...and can we get some extra buffalo sauce with that?"

"So I'm well aware you're a hundred miles away...but I'M LOST."

"HIS HEAD. JUST. EXPLODED."

"I am the MANTRACKER."

"Take a chance!"

"Why d'ya gotta be so damn cute?" "I don't know...just comes naturally, kinda like my AWESOMENESS."

"Hey you. Are you gay? Because your shorts are too small and they show off your package."

"-sniff sniff- PACKAGE BOY."

"The ground is too close to the floor!"

"Quick quick, GO IN THERE!" "But what do I do!?" "TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!"

"-says something in Greek-" "What did he say? Was it nice?" "Oh, he said goodnight, yes its nice." "Ah, that's why we didn't understand it."

& there are soo many more.


And the best part?
ZERO regrets. I love my life !

I wish nothing but the best for you.

This life thing? It’s never easy, in fact it’s down-right hard to deal with, but what other choice do we have? A really good friend told me once:

"You have to find the strength to stay together, even if you go break down in the bathroom, you’ll have to pull yourself back together afterwards. No one gets dealt an easy hand at life, you can only play with what you are given. Most people spend their lives bluffing their way through the game, through life, the only thing you have to think about is if you’re going to fold. And if you fold, you’re better off going to play a different game. "

As long as you know the truth about yourself, then you’ll go far. If you believe the hateful things that other people say about you, you’ll get dragged in and fall into the same demented fantasy world of lies that they live in. I let it get to me once, and all that I got out of it was a headache and some bruised knuckles.

Things between us did not end well, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean the whole thing was a lie or that we weren’t happy at one point. But if that’s what helps you get over the situation, believing that I’m some psychotic head-case, then shoot for the moon kid. I feel sorry for you. I have no anger or bitterness towards you, nor do I regret the time we had together. I hate to say it; but I told you so.

The days are flying by, and every day that passes brings me closer and closer to my new future. I figure that after everything I have gone through in my last two years flying solo in Keene, nothing that Maine can throw at me will be anywhere close to as difficult.

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

People sometimes complain that life moves too slow. Children wish they were older, they wish time would fly by faster. Teenagers wish they were adults, they can't wait to get out of highschool.
And then there are those who just wish time would slow the hell down. Because with time comes change, and with change comes mixed emotions and anxiety. You can sit in your room and complain about how you wish it would stop, but it won't change anything. You'll just be wasting the limited time you have. So go, do things, create memories, make good use of the time you have before it's too late.

I know that time won't slow down for me, so I'm going to run alongside it and keep up as well as I can.
It's time to make a difference. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and take life by the reins and go. The opportunities are endless, and I have so much potential. As hard as it's going to be, I just gotta keep going, because what doesn't break you makes you stronger. And for all those I'm leaving behind, don't be upset, I'm not forgetting you and never will. It's not like I'm moving to Mars. :P
If I stayed here solely because I was comfortable and safe, it would be a regret.

I have no regrets in life, only have mistakes and lessons learned.

So why don't you slide?

Do you ever have those days where you question your worth? Not just your worth, but your worth to other people in your life? Do you ever walk away from moments and think, "Well I got alot out of that...but did they?" Did they feel anything, do they think about it ever? A moment that was so golden to you, what if it was just dust in the wind to them? It's a painful realization, that something that is utterly life-changing to you, has no importance to the other party.

And then I realize that I've been on the other side as well...and that I'm no better than they.

Our personal Terebithia.

The magic of summer days will never cease to amaze me, and even now as I sit in the window of a coffee shop and look out at the people walking by, I feel like no one understands the magic as well as I do. Every moment is filled with beauty and life, and how many people just forget? How many people get so caught up in the stress and sadness, and never really let go and experience the sunrise on their own time, as opposed to their work schedule or family schedule? I know I am guilty of that on more than one account.

It's so easy to forget to live instead of simply existing.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on.

"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed, and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us, who have died to live...
It's unfair."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage?

The performance is convincing,
And we know every line by heart,
Only when no one is watching,
Can we really fall apart..."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Spread wide in the arms of Christ is a love that covers sin.
No greater love have I ever known; you considered me a friend.
Capture my heart again."
~~~~~~~~~~
"You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind, but now I see.
Jesus, you kept the faith in me."
~~~~~~~~~~
"I woke up in darkness, surrounded by my silence
Oh where, where have I gone?
I woke to reality losing its grip on me
Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light before I see the sunrise."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause
As I go from Earth into Eternity..."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe."

In the heat of summer sunshine, I miss you like nobody else.

I had a great time with friends last night, had a few cold drinks and danced and just did our usual crazy stuff. Thank you D.M, H.C, E.T. :) And H.C, you are an excellent hostess!

Then we spent a few hours down at the lake in Swanzey, soaked in the beautiful sun and relaxed. Then we headed back to Keene to find something to do.
Now I am waiting for E.T. to come back so we can get dinner and play some music for the delightful people of downtown.

Today, I am reminded of why I love living here, and how much I enjoy this state. True, there are probably other very nice places as well, but as for now, I am content with this one. The people I know, the places we go, the things we do, it makes it all worthwhile :)
I love being able to just walk downtown and always run into somebody I know! So if I ever feel lonely, it's just that easy to cure it.

I sometimes wonder why I'm so lucky when it comes to life. I'm so lucky to be me, and to have all that I have. It must be somebody up above lookin' down on me, casting the sunshine my way :) as always.

Off to the fry place I go :D have a great night y'all.

Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

A short story I wrote several years back.

11-12-08

"Do you think we'll still know each other in ten years?"

He smiles at me in his usual manner, as if I was a small girl who said something silly or preposterous. "Of course we will, unless one of us dies between now and then."

I nod my approval. The warmth of my love for him spreads from my heart down to my toes and I sigh in happiness. "What about forever though?"

He shakes his head at me in amusement and reaches his pointer finger forward to tap me on the nose. "Where could I go that I wouldn't need you there with me? I suppose forever is our only answer," his chocolaty brown eyes look down at me with such adoration that I think my heart might burst.

"I'm glad you think that," I say. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "Because I love you a bushel and a peck. A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!" To emphasize my point, I giggle and fling myself at him and attach my arms around his neck.


It still makes me smile to remember that day. That was the day he had promised me forever.

I think he and I had different views on the definition of forever, though.

Because ten months later, he told me he had to leave me, to travel across Europe with his rock band. He told me he doubted he'd ever come back to the U.S.A. He apologized, kissed my forehead, and left me standing alone in the gazebo, surrounded by apple trees with electrical lights hanging from the branches and benches made to fit only two people.

The coldest December I had ever known followed, and soon I was regretting that I was too chicken to commit suicide. Jumping off the West St. Bridge into the icy water would be such a quick way to go. But I was afraid of heights. And the dark. And the cold.

I loved life, but a life without him was simply unlovable. It was torture to wake up in the morning and know he wouldn't be there. To walk around our old town and know I wouldn't be seeing him. To listen to the radio and know that love songs didn't apply to us anymore.

"It is your own fault you know," I sadly sigh to myself as I wander through the park. I had waded through four feet of snow to get to where I was going. A hill with a single pine tree on the top of it. Our hill. Our pine tree.

I don't like snow. It reminds me of nights spent snuggling up with cups of cocoa after a snowball fight.
I don't like spring. It reminds me of fresh love and joy.
I don't like summer. It reminds me of walks along the ocean and ice cream.
I don't like fall. It reminds me of carving jack-o-lanterns in his front yard and jumping in piles of leaves.

My friends tell me I used to glow. I used to bounce. I used to smile and giggle. I have to pause to remember the definitions of those words; they always seem to escape me now.

I especially hate country music. My boss at work always listens to country. And every song is about love, heartbreak, or drinking. And I've had my fair share of each, and all three were my downfall.

My boss fired me four days ago. She said that I was unfocused and didn't pay enough attention to the customers that came in the store. She was telling the truth.

"Hello," I say to the tree. I sit down at its base. "Been a while."

It doesn't respond.

"I am sorry," I apologize. "I have been distracted. Remember that boy I used to bring here to see you? He said goodbye to me two months ago."

The tree creaks in the wind, and it sounds like it is horrified. Or so I think.

"I know," I continue. "He said his future called him to leave and that he didn't think he'd be coming back. Did you know I was in love with him?"

My tree creaks again, and this time I think it sounds sorry for me.

I sigh. "You remember when he promised me forever? I don't think he meant it."

My tree creaks in agreement.

"But he did promise," I go on. "Why did he break his promise?"

My tree doesn't creak this time. It is silent.

"Why didn't he need me anymore? After all, he told me he did need me. You should have told me he was lying," I tell my pine tree.

A pine needle falls on my nose.

"It isn't your fault, don't apologize," I say quickly. "You didn't know any better. I didn't either."

My tree creaks again, only this time it sounds like music. A beautiful song. A lullaby for me.

I lay my head on its trunk. "I know you aren't like him," I am confident now. "I know I can trust you to stay with me forever."

My tree drops more pine needles onto my head and I smile.

"You are right. I can be happy without him. Thank you. And I know your forever could be a lot shorter than mine. But it's enough for me."

You may think that I am crazy or mentally ill.

But I'm not.

I'm simply broken-hearted.

Give me reason, but don't give me choice, 'cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

The past few days have been exhausting, in a really good way. I wish I had realized it was the weekend of the 4th before yesterday though...looks like it's going to be a lonely Monday. That's the tough part about not living near your family...family bbq holidays suck. I'm hoping something exciting will pop up.

Just had an awesome chat with a friend I met down in D.C. when I went to visit Starks this past January. We discussed my future excersions to D.C. and how soon they shall be, and I can't wait for August. It seems like everything is gonna be great in August.

I've decided to go get my GED next month. Hopefully it actually happens this time.

Everyone wants to go to the fireworks and see the baseball game tonight...are they not aware of the thunderstorms rolling in real fast? I think I'm gonna go hang out at my brothers tonight.

After being here in this town all my life, and on my own for two years, I think I'm ready for a change of scenery. The question is: where shall I go? I can go anywhere, I'm so free and ready for something new.

I'm listening to the P.S. I Love You soundtrack, great selection of music to match a great movie.

Signing' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

Only the young can break away.

When I was a child, I used to love thunderstorms. We used to sit outside on the front porch and drink tea and watch the lightening flash and the thunder boom. But now, I can't say I feel the same about them. Even sitting inside a house, the bright light make my heart jump in a bad way. I remember this one time at my friend Zach's house, where I was in the process of taking a bite of a peanut butter sandwich, and the thunder boomed and I screamed, but the bite of sandwich muffled it. So much respect for peanut butter sandwiches, saved me from a whole lot of embarrassment.

Today is a great day! One of my little sisters Marie turns 10 (Right?)! I wish I could be up there with her eating cake and watching her unwrap gifts. Missing birthdays isn't fun.

I'm sitting at the library right now, enjoying the comfort of air conditioning and speedy reliable internet.
I am leaving momentarily to get iced coffee with Daniel Davis, a close friend of mine :)
And then it is off to the pizza place for the rest of the night! I like the Wednesday crew, we make work fun.

I'm listening to Brandon Flowers, again his music makes life seem deeper, full of more meaning.

Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.

It's a new beginning !

Hello! It's been years since I last blogged...back when all I worried about was if Mom was going to let me have internet time, because even though I had told her I had done my schoolwork, I hadn't opened a single book.

I'm nineteen years old, I have nine siblings with one on the way, and I work at a Greek Pizzeria.
My every day life is just ridiculous, it's going to be difficult to put it all into words...but I'll try.

We'll start with today's events:
While dog-sitting for a friend, I got a great facebook message from my long-lost friend Lee!
Tonight I felt was the real beginning to my summer, and that is because I drove up to Alstead with Lee to the Orchard Hill Bakery Summer Pizza Night! Set in the beautiful woods of Alstead, New Hampshire, this bakery is one of my favorite places to be. Add in the make-your-own pizza party and some good friends, and you've got one hell of a good time! And after watching Lee perform his magic tricks to everybody, we retired back to Ms. Holtz's residence to watch some bad-ass hip hop dance movies.
Then we decided we were officially a crew, and got all 'crunk'. Will be continued!

Then I drove home in the worst rain storm I've seen in a while, barely hitting 10 MPH due to visibility issues.
But I have made it to my apartment, and I will be leaving shortly to go dog-sit some more if this rain lets up and hopefully, I won't hydroplane off the road!

I'm listening to the Spicy McHaggis Jig by the Dropkick Murphys, quite the excellent tune.

Signin' Out,
Lyssie Jean.